Moral conflicts
by don't-call-me
Summary: Coming back from Fiyero's dorm, Elphaba reflects on her conflicting feelings.   'How can something that's so wrong feel so right? How can something that feels so right be really wrong'


**Shiz. Sometime after The Lion Cub Scene. But it's a little 'different'...**  
><strong>And please excuse possible misstakes. I'm not a native speaker ;)<strong>  
><strong>_<strong>

It was another morning after. It was still dark outside. I was on my way to our dorm and hoped that she would be still asleep. It was always an odd feeling to come back after I had been with him. I always expected her to be angry or - what would be even worse - disappointed. I always feared she would have found out. But instead she always smiled at me and seemed happy to see me. She didn't even suspect there could be something she didn't know. Something she'd never want to know and what she'll hopefully never come to know, too.

But in fact such things always got exposed someday, didn't they? Frankly speaking, I can think of hundreds of ways, how she could find out. After all we do live together. What if she was looking for something in our room, and found his letters by chance. What if we just didn't act quite as usual around one another as we thought and she would grow suspicous and actually started monitoring him. There will be clues no matter how careful we are going to be. You're never 100% safe. Especially not with things like that. But even if she'd never expect anything, there would be other ways for us to be revealed. What if she changed her plans one day and decided to sneak over to his dorm, only to find me being there? What if anyone else heard us, saw us, caught us? How could he be so starry-eyed to believe that would never happen. To not even take it into consideration.

But what would happen then? Actually, when I'm starting to think about it, I realise that this is just no option. It just _can't_ happen. This story will never have a happy ending. Even if I intended to fight for him, there would never be a future for us. There never was. They are just perfect for each other. He's the prince and she will be his princess. That was beyond question the moment they met. They are just meant to be. And they are going to marry and be happy for the rest of their lives, Nobody else would ever be as worthy as she is to be his wife. And noone could ever love him as she does. He knows it. She knows. Everyone knows. Even I do. It'll always be them and never us. And there's nothing to cry about. In fact, I'm glad it's like that. That may sound egotistical but sometimes I just think, that he is just old enough to know by himself what he's doing. But he is not the only one, who takes a risk. I do have something to lose, too. She is the only friend I ever had. She trusts me. And I owe her so much. I was working hard for my goals and even though it was really hard sometimes, I start to feel that I slowly get where I belong. If this turns out bad, everything will have been in vain.

There'll be no winner in this game. We've got nothing to win, but everything to lose. So why am I doing all this to her, to him and to myself? I always wanted to do the right thing, to please everyone, to be loved, but to remain true to myself and stick to my principles at the same time. At the moment I'm doing none of this. When I'm thinking about it now, I know, that it would be the right thing just to end it. But I already know, that I won't be strong enough. I can't stay away from him and when we meet again all my doubts will be gone. I don't know how he does this to me. But when we touch it's like electricity. It kind of switches of my head, eliminates my morals, erases my thoughts, but burns my body. Maybe it's because with him - for the first time in my life - I can be weak. I don't have to fight my secret desires. I can be quiet or loud, thoughtful or careless, hesitating or wild, seductive or shy. And most of the time I'm everything at once. This isn't about love. Maybe that's good news, but it also makes me seem even more ruthless. It's about power; it's about lust; it's about being free.

Sometimes I wonder, why I found this with him of all people. I can think of nobody who would be a more complicated choice. If there was choice at all. Sometimes I feel that we didn't choose one another, but that destiny chose us. That doesn't make an excuse. I know that it's just me who is responsible for my actions and nobody or nothing else. I just try to understand why it's sometimes rather impossible to resist.

Maybe everything would be fine, if I had noticed earlier in what a danger I found myself in. Because you may feel the loss of passion very intense, but the loss of friendship you feel forever. There is another aspect of our relationship. He is important to me - as a friend, not as a lover. When I'm with him I feel at ease with myself, I trust him, I love talking to him and just being in his arms. It feels unstudied, intimate and familiar. I don't want to have him, but I don't want to lose him either. With him it's always: high and low, close and distant, hot and cold. How can something that's so wrong feel so right? How can something that feels so right be really wrong?

With this last thought I reach our dorm. She is awake. "Where have you been?" "The libary." I look away from her to hide my shame, to feel less guilty. But then I force myself to smile apologetic and look into her eyes. "Sorry, if it kept you up. I just fell asleep." Maybe it was beyond my power to keep the secret but I had to try as hard as I could. She got up from her bed and hugged me tight. "You're crazy, but I love you. What would I do, if I didn't have you?" I felt the sting to my heart. I felt guilty, indeed. 'You'd be far better off', I thought. "You wouldn't even know that I exist", I answered instead and laughed a little half-hearted.

I would have to end it. Soon. Before it was too late.

**_**  
><strong>I hope you enjoyed it. But it will stay an one-shot, I guess.<strong>


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